Diablo III …was awesome till it disconnects. Which is annoying. Hopefully it will get better but I am not a fan of getting kicked off all the damn time. None the less, i will still play.
I also got a hot glue gun, FINALLY that works. Guess that last new one was just a fluke, so yay for stuff that WORKS. So now I can finish these new collars! Woo! I also bought Adam Lambert’s new CD and ya know,…it’s not half bad. Glad I picked it up. His lyrics aren’t as lame as his last cd. Most of these songs I can like. And my period came today so hopefully that will be done and gone by the weekend. It’s usually 4 to 5 days max so I am crossing my paws it’s gone by Saturday at least. It’s worth the cramps, lol. I also got some new ribbons, one to match the cupcake ears, I have matching cupcake collars now! This…makes me smile. <—see?
Satyr also got our kitty a present too. I got the collar so he got something for her to represent himself too which I thought was awesome and I helped him choose something that matched her. I think we found the perfect gift from him and I know she’ll love it. I also got myself some collar charms and a o-ring that I am going to try and convert for kitten’s collar. Work, work, work, lol.
Satyr bought me Diablo III !!!!! *runs around happily* And it’s for the Mac! *bounces about*
I is so happy. It’s the little things he does for me that makes me love him so much. He said it’s a good way to hang with me more too, he can play diablo on my computer while I do my craft work too so we can hang out more. Hee hee…I like his style. He also got my daughter a new Monster High doll which will be awesome. And later we will go look for some new running shoes and Satyr and I both want to go walking now and eventually running and just get a little bit more fit. And I am going to the game store to pick up a new painting miniatures book that even has a how to paint DVD. *squee*
And Satyr also is getting a beautiful new patio tent. That will be great for company and friend and spending some time outside! (I sense a bunch of reading soon! So up next is some good patio furniture which I will likely get after my next con. But I’m so excited! It’s such a good day! i love my Satyr, he always cheers me up and I just love him to pieces!
Well, I myself am better. A little more focused now and starting to return to normal and shielding properly. I apologize for the emo moment on my blog, it does happen sometimes. It’s tough when a series of bad things happen all at once to not let a crack suddenly turn into a huge fissure. I think my time of the month is seriously screwing with my emotions too. It should have been here by now, but likely will will end up here just in time for the cabin trip. (Activate sarcasm here)
I did receive kittens future collar today. That was a wonderful happy in my mailbox. It’s quite stunning and a beautiful piece of work. I will take it to the jewelers this week and see if I can get it adjusted for the lock latches in the back. But otherwise it’s very beautiful and i hope will be much love for her to wear. The pendant will come off if I need it to and at some point I would like a custom made loop o-ring attachment for it as well, but that I will pocket as a later project. For now this makes me happy. I’ve loved her for a long time. It was always strange with all the timing between us. I thought for awhile that there was no way I could Domme a kitten so,…well, unpredictable. She’s a handful sometimes, lol. But somehow, that was an ease to think about when I knew it wasn’t possible to have her as an option anyhow so I never put my two cents into it anymore. She was attached to another for some reason I can’t still fathom,…but love sometimes chooses idiots. (I have mine, too)
But, all along we never stopped loving one another. We never stopped kissing, hand holding, or playing as the kittens we are. Most times when Satyr got us together we just pleasantly ignored him and shared our love with each other. But, I was scared most days. To admit i loved her as much as I did. That I wanted her. I didn’t want to fall in love with her. I didn’t want to be hurt, or have her taken from me, or be a disappointment to her. This girl was in my life. Take out all those mixed up feelings and she was a best friend. She was my employee, she knows the business as well as I do somedays. Whenever I would get stuck or sidetracked…she was right there…to kick my butt back on track.
But she submitted. I didn’t see it until now. But she did everything I ever asked of her. Some things with a bit of attitude, but she never flat out told me no. She wanted,…to make me happy. Makes me cry thinking about it now. (Thank you emotionally charges time of the month) But it’s happy tears. Because the whole time, I had a submissive kitten I loved who would have done anything for me. Who continuously proved over and over that she was confused about what I was to her as she was to me. We played the parts with no titles. We have always been this. We just never labeled it, we never really admitted what we mean to each other. I shut her out to make room for others because,…she wasn’t an option.
But my heart still loved her and longed for her company. Because she was my heart, she resided there already. I just didn’t know how deep. I tried to love others, to tell myself that I could. That there can be another who would love me the way she could or better. But I found myself frustrated. I found betrayal. I found lies. I found heartache. I found manipulation, avoidance…I tore most of my Dominant spirit away. I tried to blame myself for the failures I had before me.
And she comforted me. She was there. And not long, she was free and it wasn’t long before we realized, nothing would feel the way it should without each other. There is no other for us. Playful as a kitten sister, loving as a mother, tender as a lover, and as strict as a Domme. Everything was there. We have never had trouble talking, never had moments where we didn’t know we wanted to run into each others arms and embrace and not let go.
The scent of her hair, the touch of it wrapped in my fingers. Her soft olive skin,…she runs to ME. I don’t have to chase her down. She seeks me out. She has always served my heart. How did I miss it? The whole time…she was here. And now, she is going to be mine. No amount or measure of time will take her heart from me. She is in our family. My Satyr and myself will always be hers to have. She is ours, she is mine. I can’t tell you how it makes me feel, how she makes me feel.
I remember pushing her away so much and so often. Confusing her and trying to not hold on to her as much as I wanted. Sometimes i said things even hurtful because I didn’t have her. Because I KNEW what I wanted and I just couldn’t come to terms that it would ever be available to me. So when she was getting close I would push her away. I touched her less. Kissed her less. I wouldn’t hold her hand or warmly cuddle her in bed as I wished. I was trying to reject what i wanted because it was a dead end. The truth was, she belonged to another. And I knew that road with exsir…I know how it feels to love someone SO much and never be allowed to fulfill it. To taste it, but not indulge all my senses. I didn’t ever want that kind of heartache and torture with her. I was protecting myself. I made one mistake with him, I couldn’t possibly do that with this one…this girl that was so vital to me. I was scared to be so addicted to her like i was to exsir. I didn’t want to have to feel the rip of my heart in two. She loved another as far as I knew,…she wore another’s collars. Play partner was all I could remind myself like a mantra. But we were fooling each other. We were in love, desperate to have someone just come out and claim the other and say fuck everything else, we are happening!
She really was the pet for me all along.
The crave, the aggression, the absolute need to dominate her and yet free her at my choosing. She understands me. She knows the power of submission and the heart to serve and give all for the happiness of another. And now,…she will get my collar.
To some, it may seem sudden. To me, I have known her years. She and I have a history. One one girl I know I share more history with who has known me for many years and reads me like a book she has memorized and while she holds a piece of my heart forever, we have our reasons why we know things can’t really happen or should. But she is a dear friend and I still love her to death. But this kitten,…this girl…
There is just no one else I can love as much as her under my Satyr. Even ExSir doesn’t compare to her and how she makes me feel. Not even close. And that, finally puts him to rest. This is the love I want. To love and to serve with all you are….to not hold back any part of you. I don’t want to hold back anymore. I don’t want to give to someone who can’t give back, or someone who is too scared to give back.
She is my pet now. And no one can replace her, nor will. She’s in our family. Protected, loved….as much as she was from day one. It just took me this long to finally get it.
This….this is why Germans scare me…made by a German designer. What…the…fucccc….
I mean, even from a cat perspective, we at least understand that leftovers go in your Owners bed, not on our pretty shoes. poor dead birds. They don’t even look pretty. They look like bird corpses. Eek….
But other than that, today is proving better. My daughter planted me a pot of pink african violets which was sweet. And our rookie is saving our poorness and taking us out to eat tonight, which is great because if we had to eat a box meal I think I would have killed someone, lol.
Cleaned up a little and did a few collars and I am working on separating out a few more kitty ears to take pics and add to the site. I find myself happier when I am working because I have so much less time to dwell on the bad, ya know? So, it makes me happier. Plus, having Satyr around always cheers me up a lot.
Still in a bit of a funk. Hard to shake off. Not really eating much hasn’t helped. I’m pretty hungry actually. I admit I didn’t like reading some things today and seeing some things. There are so many things I am learning that I regret being involved with that I just wish I could erase. I don’t want to go through these constant reminders but I feel like there is no escape from them. They are always there. And most of them always will be. I admire those who get to choose to move on and forget. I sometimes hope that one day I will wake up and have forgotten too. But, I don’t. Some days (most days) it’s easy to ignore it and be rationale. Other days the pain hurts so bad and I have no where to let it go safely. I just tuck it inside and hope the next day will be better.
Things went wrong enough today that I let my shields down. I felt things that got me really down and I have to admit that to myself that it’s ok to not be strong every minute of everyday. It’s ok to be a bit weak sometimes and vulnerable. Even shed a few tears. Sometimes they need to flow. And usually that helps heal some of it.
Sometimes, I am scared. I am terrified that my ability to love will always end this way. Someone hurt. It makes me want to shut people out to protect myself. It’s like the panther in me won’t let me get too close to people. I always assume the worst…not of others, of myself. I was raised by my stepfather who beat me senseless and reminded me I was a disappointment and I’d never be anything. I failed his standards all the time. I wasn’t as smart as my sister. I wasn’t as aware. I wasn’t as well mannered. I wasn’t well behaved enough. I was always missing the mark and I was given marks as reminders. Shoved into walls. Smacked aside my head countless times. I lived most my childhood staring at a corner in the hall wondering how I got there and if I’d ever escape. I never thought about what to do IF I ever did. Now that I have, much other world has become his voice and his discipline and judgements. He’s in everything and everyone. And, like a scared little doe, I run from it. I bow down to it. I accept the monsters words as truth. I believe what people tell me I am.
I say the truth in this. I have no real opinion of myself. I am defined by what others say I am. I expect others to mold me because I have no willpower of my own. I spent my life in punishment. I spent it trying to be what someone else wanted me to be that I don’t know anything about the things I want. I feel guilty about things I want. I have worked hard to fight these feelings, but sometimes, it eats at me and the monster wins.
I am not wanted. Or I am rejected. Or I am not good enough. Or I loose a friend. Or a love. Or company.
And I instinctually blame myself. I believe it was my doing, no matter what people tell me, or even how much I WANT to believe otherwise. I cannot undo what he did to me or the way he made me think. I feel lost a lot. Knowing I should be more for people, but I can’t draw the willpower to do it. I don’t know how.
I have done a lot of things on my own including building a pretty good business. But my brain doesn’t tell me this, it tells me I lucked into it. And it always tells me that I will fail someday. I fight it often. Somedays I win out and get a lot done. Others, I lose the fight and want to avoid even looking at my work. It’s hard for me. I struggle often with it.
Between that and the fact that my memory has always been a mess,…I feel vulnerable putting it out here. I have journal about the memory loss. I am pretty horrible with dates. With history in general. Even just my own. I think in some part I might have had some sort of memory trauma from being hit in the head so many times. I don’t have many childhood memories except some of the more traumatic. Bits and pieces. Nothing substantial enough to be able to tell a story. I find it difficult to be able to tell things like how I see it in my mind. I play in my mind, but I never seem to be able to vocalize it in a way that makes sense about my past. There are holes…
It’s embarrassing. I have good short term memory, but long term is different. I find it difficult to fit in sometimes because I don’t have much to offer in terms of me. Most the time I have Satyr with me, who bless his heart, he tends to end up telling the stories so well when I suddenly forget something mid sentence. He knows I struggle with it. I love his stories, it’s like you’re actually there. I admire that. It’s hard to be around people like that though sometimes. I feel inferior. I am a smart woman, don’t get me wrong. It’s just when it comes to being able to grasp parts of my past,…I can’t think. Pictures come in pieces and I have NO sense of time. Seriously I can’t tell you how old I was in ANY of my memories. What year? Pft. I barely remember what year I graduated. It worries me sometimes. There are so many memories I know I want and I’m terrified to forget some. Yet the ones I WANT to forget, stay. It’s not fair. I want to choose the now, but part of me feels missing and left behind. It makes me so sad most times to have to sit in the care and listen to Satyr talk and all I can do is listen and ask questions and keep him talking. Because I can’t think of anything in my life that I can talk about coherently. Without feeling embarrassed. So, I go the quiet route. It’s why i like outgoing talkative people. It’s very easy to keep the focus elsewhere.I panic over questions of “tell me about your past”. All I can think to say is, “Oh, it’s nothing that interesting” and pray the subject changes. Sadly, I WANT to talk about it. I just literally,…can’t. Even certain aspects of when I was pregnant with Aj are missing. I don’t remember a lot of it besides days eating lunch on the porch and my baby shower and Mark listening on my belly at night. Most the rest is a blur. The things I remember are mostly because Satyr talks about them. Like bringing up how I wanted chocolate and gooey things. I remember because he retells it over and over. So, it’s a memory now. But, it seems if things only happen once,…I am forgetful.
I am scared. I am scared to forget myself, and scared I won’t be able to forget the things I need to.
There, it’s out there now. Out in the open. I’m not sure it makes me feel any better, sadly. Cause the memories still aren’t there. And I fear, they will never come back.
Time for bed. Maybe tomorrow will hold some smiles. Maybe tomorrow my daughters smile will lift my spirits. I love her. But i am scared most of all, I will forget our memories. To the point,…it terrifies me. Because she is my world. I don’t talk about her much here,…but you have to understand, she is my life-line. To forget her, would kill me. I never want to forget any part of her life. And I am afraid I already am. I love her so much and every time I see her, I see her Daddy too. I picked the perfect Daddy for in the whole world. Those two are a pea in a pod. Which makes me grateful so that if, for some reason, I do fail and I forget…she always has him. But I fight to not forget. She is my home. My Satyr is my home.
Somehow, with these faults of mine, I am loved. With these things that make me hate myself, I am still loved. Even though I can’t change much of it. They love me.
Is that what life is about? Love? Unconditional love?
Must….get…to…work. I feel SO unmotivated. I went to bed at like 9:30 last night cause I didn’t know what to do. I have a feeling my period will come any day because my emotions are fucking EVERYWHERE. It’s ANNOYING. So, I will run some packages to the post office and then likely clean up my craft room. My kitten was sweet and she is gonna work on her tails on Skype with me so we can pretend we are working together. She’s so sweet and having her company makes me feel a little bit better. I miss her a lot.
But I will have some distractions tonight with gaming which should be fun! We are on a mission from a God to rescue a little girl from hell, so we walked through a portal are are fighting demons in hell for her. I have NEVER blown through a spell list that fast in my gaming history, lol. I mean,…wow. Just…*whoosh* gone. And we barely survived that one demon and that isn’t the big guy. *dreads* I need to work on a stronger spell list, lol. Those things are ouchy. And I think I would cry if my character died, lol. I thin it’s funny though that I am chaotic neutral and yet I am pretty much the most loyal and nicest of the bunch. I think I have more morals than the samarai. Ah well. Can’t expect much from these kids.
Ok, off to push my brain to DO stuff. Come on brain. Work with me today.
I was weary if my old little printer would work with my Mac but I was desperate. My PC computer is dead and dying and we didn’t have the 60 bucks to fix it (everything is in paypal and takes 2 to 3 days to transfer to the bank) and we don’t get paid till the 15th. So after much searching, i found the HP disk and saw it was OS compatible. So, I brought it up, hooked it to my Mac and plunked the CD in and started it to gets message saying it is NOT compatible with this version. Damn, damn, damn. My heart cracked. But for shits and giggles I tried to print a page anyways. A window comes up saying “searching for software”…”downloading software”….*prints*.
Thank you Steve Jobs.
On a side note, since I got it working, I told kitten I would buy the claw set for the cabin. Oh gee darn…not that! I can only afford one set,…but still. I can get another later. One set is plenty for now.
So now I can print all my shipping label and I am totally happy. I don’t have to wait till payday on the 15th, wooooooo! *happy*
Things I didn’t plan for: sick tummy. Like…in the bathroom all morning kind. Ugh,…
I think I’m a little better now, but not what I would call a happy start to my day. Ok, packaging day and hopefully satyr will be home in time to get everything shipped out. In addition, I REALLY want to go to kinkos to try and get my collar tag stuff printed. Seeing all this undone is pissing me off. Beyond that, I’m not sure what all to finish my day up with, I would really like to get maybe 6 or 7 sets of the nymph ears sewn and prepared. Oh the many things in life to be done. Sadly, they don’t have sage felt in the store so I have to use the normal green or maybe white, or even ivory might be ok. Idk,…I will play with it a bit and see what works out. Needless to say I have the right sage green glitter so hey,…the inside will match and no one will see the bottom felt color once it’s on your head
I did find a convention to go to in December in Illinois which didn’t look that great…until I saw the guest list. Um, OMFG,….Miss Hannah Minx! GAAAAAH! *runs around happily* I could MEET her! And she could buy my ears, could you imagine those ears on her channel with that many viewers? How AWESOME it would be?! If I were a dude, I would totally have a boner right now. And yes,…I’m thinking of her boobs.
I am not amused by being up right now. I’m just saying…as soon as Aj is off to school, I plan to hit me some pillows again. Then again, those type of plans don’t always go so smooth sometimes, but dammit! I WILL FIND A NAP! *stalks grumpily in the kitchen for breakfast*
It might be a tad overdone, but I love these pics of the black panther with the jaguar. (However, note a black panther is a jaguar, it’s just about only 6% of them in a litter are born as black panthers) Black panthers basically have a melanistic pigment that makes their skin darker. So they are very rare. (This makes me feel a bit more in tune, I’ve always known I am a bit unique!) Some black panthers even have faint leopard-like spots like the jaguar does, which I LOVE, and I was thinking I have a good darker leopard spot fur I might use on a pair of ears for myself.
This is the more obvious panther that in the bright light, you can see he still has his leopard spots. Most of them do, some with more obvious spots and some you can’t see at all. But they are from the same family and can be born to a leopard or black panther (also known as a black jaguar)
Soon, she will be my kitty. I found her the perfect collar I just got. I have enough left over that I can then take it to a jeweler so I can have it formatted to attach rings on each end for a lock. It’s perfect, it will match her brown long locks and the gold will sparkle on her olive tone skin and it has a tiger and a convent attachable loop. Really, I don’t think I could I could find a more perfect collar for her. And the bonus is it is vintage. No one else will have it. Which is about how I feel about her. She is like no other kitten. She’s original.
Some really cute panther and cub pictures I liked. It’s hard to find any pictures because panther sightings are so rare being they are mostly nocturnal and pretty damn hard to see at night!
And this just reminds me of how I feel in the kitten community, lol. Always the mama cat with the kitties biting on me or rolling on me or otherwise annoying me to the point I debate their ends. But, I love them all, just like cubs.
Why is it they always *think* they are being sneaky?
And of course,…sometimes people’s attitude reminds of this when I come around. “Oh maaaaaan! Why you gotta come in her and groom me in front of my friends mom?! SO embarrassing….” Sometimes I’m a little too mothering. Ah well,…they love me anyways.
She still gives me goosebumps when I think about her. I still have a smile when I think of her with her head on my lap. I crave to have my fingers in her thick, brown hair again. I want her here. She isn’t the same when she isn’t here with me. I feel like I’m a starving, ancy panther weaving back and forth through the field till I see her come out from the grass and ruffle up against my leg and nudge her head into my paw and hear her say “I miss my kitty”. I just want her here already. Not in my house,…but in my care. In my protective paws and under my arms. She makes me feel powerful again. She makes me feel like a wild cat should. A rare feeling anymore.
Sometimes, you just make me laugh. In the,…wtf was I doing? kind of way…
Ok, posted two more sets of ears,…more to go. *pats the Mac that has come home all repaired and happy*
More to post tomorrow and then pictures of collars and first thing in the morning,…prepping the slew of packages from round one and putting up more steampunk ears. Some I have without ribbons and I have to judge how many I have left WITH the ribbons before reposting. Ah,….the job is never done. Store, store, store! Weeeeeee!
Well, I have closed yet another chapter of my life. I have officially decided enough is enough. Sir is being left behind. He is always a friend, but I have come the conclusion this relationship is entirely TOO much to balance and fret over. I need some room to breathe. But, the bigger initiative is he needs it. He may not WANT that, but he knows he NEEDS that. And so long as I WANT to stay, he will try to keep me. And that is very, very selfish of me. He really wants a woman of his own. I understand, always have. But, I can’t constantly butt in when things don’t work out with someone only for him to find himself in the same position of feeling guilty that he’s in to someone but having the extra hassle of tending to my emotional needs so I don’t feel left out. That, and with the hope and prayer we all get along for the perfect poly situation. Which doesn’t involve me living there,…yea, good luck.
There are simply too many variables for bad things to happen. Either to me, to the person of interest for him and, (my biggest concern),…for him. This is something I want him to feel free to pursue in any way, any degree or measure he sees fit. I don’t want to have to be the “chime in” in the back of his mind going “Well I would do this normally, but…how would kitten handle this?” It’s just one extra step that isn’t necessary. I got my heart trampled on and devastated last round. I am not so sure I feel up to doing it again. Yes, I love him. Yes, always will. No,…I don’t want to continue. I just think I am seeing signs that no matter WHO he chooses to be with,…it’s hard on him to do so with me in the background clamoring onto hope. Besides, he will easily admit, he is a selfish guy himself. I am the ONE woman on like…the PLANET that he would EVER share. So, really,…you have to think,…he doesn’t like his girlfriends poly, lol. (Note, he doesn’t mind girl partners, but guys are a no) So the conclusion I get is that he doesn’t really want to share me but we loved each other enough, he suffered to keep it. That means, yea,…I am pretty damn awesome to be that one in a billion trillion exception to his black and white rules. But, those breaking of rules are affecting other areas of is life they should not need to.
IF it were a circumstance where I was available to live with him or in the same house…or even if HE was poly, there is a chance that I would reconsider. However, there is no way in hell any of those options would happen. Unless we won the lotto, then…as he and my Satyr agree,…a kitten compound would be built, lol. But, I don’t do chances. I do what’s right and based on the facts. I have had enough experience with him to know exactly how this will end up. So I feel pretty okay with just letting him be a stage I can get right on over. Will that be easy? Meh,…it feels easy. I think it’s actually harder and more emotional to stay with him and be in absolute fear for that 2 week horror of ignorance while he falls in love with someone else and not knowing if I will ever fit the same with him or in the picture anymore at all. I have long learned, promises and hopes of such things of “I hope this will work, or I think it will” are not good enough for me. Make it, or don’t. I don’t do IF’s anymore. I want dedication. He can’t dedicate to a married woman. Ok,…that should be it. Plain and simple. He is fun to be with, yes…as a Dom, he is wonderful for me. His ability to not take shit from me is well respected,…but it’s not anything I need for my normal life. He never controlled my life. He controlled my body and my kitten personality only. He never did own ME. He laughs thinking about how I Domme because he has never seen that side of me. He can’t envision anything of me other than submissive. That’s true, I see why he thinks it. But, he sees me for 2-4 hours a week on a good week. That doesn’t leave much room for control or understanding of all components of how I work. So I have to be ok that it’s his viewpoint. It’s what I allow him to see. Not because it’s what I want (again), but because it’s what he wants and with that limited time, I am out to please him.
I just feel like what I had with him was a want, it is no longer a need. There isn’t a part of me that goes,…NO! CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT THIS! There USED to be,…but that died with his last ex. I learned I can live without him the way I used to and can be happy uncollared as I stretched my Domme wings and realized I have things I want to do and experience that he might hold me back on. And I will hold him back on wanting to experience an awesome potential monogomus relationship he might not otherwise consider because of me. I just don’t want to be that crutch that slows him down. That shit aint fun. I had an amazing adventure with him,…but I think it’s time to cut my loss. So I told him so today and he seems,..agreeable?
I don’t know,…he could just be tired from work and all, but he seemed to think it’s not unreasonable to do. He could be lying through his teeth or he could feel a lot lighter in stress to be able to peruse the relationships he wants at the speed he wants without having to offend me or risk jealousy or risk breaking my heart all over again. He can enjoy it as it’s meant to happen. If that works best for him, ok! But,…I am in the position where I realize this is unhealthy for us both. We have different wants, neither of us able to make those wants happen due to our needs.
I want dedication,…he wants a wife of his own.
He wants me to himself,…but I am married and that is not going to change.
I don’t think there is any room for negotiation. We both want each other but to be fair,….neither of us are for the taking by either party. So,…why the need to pursue something that has nothing but hopes of “it might work”? That isn’t my kind of game. He asked, before his last gf fiasco…he asked me to not hold anything back. But that he couldn’t do the same. That right then,….that should have been my warning flag. A poly heart can effictivly give w/o holding back to anyone they love. I just don’t see it with him. Even if a woman comes in wanting a poly thing with me,…I just don’t see SIR in a position of ease.
At I know,…this time,…it isn’t me. It’s just him and knowing how he works. Chemistry wise, we are perfect for each other, we fit in so many ways it is silly. But in this life,…we are worlds apart in timing to the point I can’t fathom anything workable besides an absolute stroke of pure luck. It’s like waiting to win the lotto. Fate chances are out there, but you are more likely to be hit by lightning instead.
I think this one speaks for itself. *closes the book*
Time to enjoy other things in life and let him enjoy his. I have no right to control how he interacts with anyone. And,…I believe,…I am ok with this.
Well, fuck a duck. I turned off my computer during the storm, but it got fried anyways. Yup, the new Mac desktop, (as only I can do) fried itself. Thank god I save everything on my external hard drive. I also paid for a full warranty on this baby, so they will revive it for free. (Free being the best price I can afford!)
I manged to post a bunch of ears on my website before all this and I’m at 9 sales. Not too shabby. I pretty much have to upload a while new set of ears to keep up! But, the good side to that is I took all new pics tonight. The down side of course,…I have no computer to do the photoshopping and post em. So, tomorrow I will make a trip to the micro center and drop off my poor baby, cry some more and pray it returns to me safely and quickly!
Ok, feeling a bit more human now. Gonna grab a sandwich before bed here and take my pill, but the good news is I finished the cat ear pictures. I didn’t get to the flipping fax center but I do have a scanner so I’m bonn try and see if I can scan and email em tomorrow for Animal Planet. Beyond that, I just have to get a pendant made and then I will start uploading some pics in the store and reopening hopefully by end of week. All while sick. Not flipping bad at all.
Now I gotta look up some other cabins and rates and make sure we got a good deal, and then I have yet to deal with sending out Ikasucons contract for a table and I am waiting to hear on OMGcon which we should be going as long as they clear me paying on the 15th. Beyond that, life is good.
Not happy about being up right now and I think the *rest* part is gonna happen today wether I like it or not. My throat is still really hurting today but I have that sick feel to my body where I just feel kind of weak. So, I may not take pictures unless I am feeling better later. *sigh* Just a little rough is all. I had hoped to be getting BETTER by now. I’m not getting worse per say,…this is more a hassle for my life right now. *grumps silently* Ow,…hurts to swallow dammit. Ow, ow, ouchie.
Well,…the waiting is over. WE GOT APPROVED! That’s right! We will be on Animal Planet for their show! SQUEEEEEE! I am very excited and proud to get to do this and I have to say a bit shocked even. But,…this is just going to be a great adventure and I cannot wait to fathom the awesomeness that will take place. I have to schedule a good time for them to come, the weekend they want is our vacation week, soI have to arrange it either the weekend of the 11th or the 26th. The 26th might be easier for me if I can, but I will talk to the director and see what will be going on. GAH! I’m just so,…thrilled!
UPDATE: So the better news is they are actually shooting later on the weekend of June 18th, so that gives time for a good house cleansing again and time to deal with costumes and the like. so, yea for practicality!
On a random happy note, I found my other bottle of antibiotics on accident and I now have 7 more days worth of antibiotics. Yay! I’m gonna live and I I don’t have to go into debt this month! Thank you Gods for sparing me a little bit of mercy. Really, appreciate it.
UPDATE: I am apt to think that my pretty Miss Fluff is good luck when I am talking with her on Skype because not only did I find the antibiotics, but I also found the missing iPad and the missing charger for my camera. She’s my good luck charm now. If I loose something, just call her…it’s bound to show up! lol
The good news is no fever, but the soreness is spreading to the other side of my throat now. *looks pitiful* Damnit. And this is my last antibiotic. Sadly, we don’t have the spare money for a doctor visit so I will pray if I call my doctor that we can negotiate an office visit price so I can get a script or he can just call one in for me without seeing me. Idk, might get lucky. Either way, I have to stay on antibiotics. This thing aint going away on it’s own. It’s not as horrible as many I have had, but it’s there for sure. *le sigh* Why must life throw me curve balls.
Gonna finish my pictures tonight. Hopefully I will have things on the website end of this week. Photos are kind of exhausting. And a little bit boring when you are doing similar pictures like this. Ah well,….it needs done. And I have so many more I haven’t taken pics of…
Ok, well I got some kitty pictures done, so that’s good but I have more to go and STILL can’t find my charger. But I’m also not exactly feeling well to search the whole house. Still haven’t heard on Animal Planet, at this rate, I’m not exactly gonna care. They know how to reach me. I’m not going to fret over it. If it happens, it happens.
Throat is still getting worse, but hubby made good soup for me tonight (yummy). He’s awesome sometimes. I am hoping with the last antibacterial pill I have that maybe I can just get by this one on my own. I have a slight fever, but nothing over 99.1 so far without aspirin. Usually if it were strep, it would be over 100 by now. So,…strictly speaking, this isn’t too bad. I have had worse.
Hopefully I will finish the rest of my kitty ears tomorrow. Thankfully, we didn’t have issues with the storm tonight and I am happy that it’s pretty much past now. We were in the path for a tornado, never fun, but all seems fine now. I took me and the cat to the basement while the siren went off. Better safe than sorry. The hard part was dealing with knowing Satyr and Aj were out in that mess driving home. But they stopped to grab food for dinner to cook and then came home, so they got the rain, but nothing too terrible. I however, freaked the fuck out cause my cell phone got fucked up in this storm and wouldn’t reach him. I was in tears by the time he got home, lol. I was SO worried. I should know better by now not to do that,…but, I do. I worry. It happens sometimes.
Well, the sore throat persists today. Took an antibiotic, but I only have two pills left. So, if it doesn’t get well FAST then I will have to budget in a visit to the doc which makes me less than pleased of course. But I am determined to make it to Azia’s graduation if it kills me. Because otherwise, I think she would kill me anyways if I missed it, lol. Seems like good logic then.
Working on editing some pictures of cat ears. I can sit and drink my liquids and listen to some music while getting some rest and still work. Ugh,…I hate sick bugs. They slow you down so much. I think all the stress is building up too. Just dealing with drama is,…well it’s tiring. Much less tiring trying to stay as neutral as possible and avoid land mines as well. Must…not…speak…Damnit, that blew up in my face. *wipes off the blood and reattaches arm with some sewing thread*
But,…I hope it’s going to get better very soon and I can focus on letting some things go that don’t need to be dealt with anymore and everyone can just freakin’ get along. But I have several weekend of fun planned so I am looking forward to those weekends, yay!
So,….tomorrow is the big day of adventure. I find out if we do the Animal Planet show or not. I just don’t know yet. I don’t know what is going to happen. I am thinking positive but I fear they want something more,…I don’t know, um,…confrontational? Edgy? We just aren’t I guess. We are all pretty laid back, intelligent, loving people. There is no drama to us, really. Well no PG rated drama, lol.
But, I’m a little light headed and dizzy and my throat is a tad sore so I’m going to bed and will leave tomorrow to its bidding. We will see what comes of all this. Till then I will just relax and rest up. Tomorrow is some ginger ale and working on pictures and Aj’s school stuff. I am flipping’ exhausted.
Ok…must concentrate and work on taking pictures of ears. I think I will make it easier and actually use my tripod this time. Yay for sunnier days! it’s meant to be! I WILL get this dang website up, i will, I will, I will!…
Meh. I need a shower and cuddles. I feel blahish. Might go see Sir tonight and watch some True Blood. I really want a kitten on MY lap too. Soon enough I will have a weekend of kitties. But,…my heart longs. There is a piece missing. A leash without a collar, a bed without a pet in it. And my heart just feels a little empty inside. Ah, all in good time. Just gotta focus on the now
Sunday evening. We went to a Reds baseball game today. Been awhile since I have been to one. But I got t see the new stadium and eat over priced hotdogs before my little girl decided she had enough sitting in the sun and baking. So, we left a little early. (Not overly early, but early none the less) Our car is in-between deciding whether it wants a flat tire or not so we had to stop to refill it a bit, but we got home ok. Eventually we will replace it, whenever the hell Satyr’s work decides to play fair and not hip him for less money than he was supposed to be making. (Long story, it makes us angry)
But, I got a few photos of ears in before the light went bad. I’m going to work pretty hard tomorrow on more picture taking. Hopefully by end of next week I can get the website looking a tad on the tolerable side. Till then, we play the waiting game.
Ah, good morning world. I am trying to wrap up some of Azia’s pictures. I have been promising her I would for forever and usually I can minimize them down to some favorites, but in this case, there are a TON of pictures as is and it’s hard for her to take a BAD picture, lol. So I find myself doing a LOT of editing. But, I haven’t been doing all standard editing. I have been doing some playing with some fantasy based things like with tigers, fairies and wings. Nothing major, but I figured it’s fun to at least play a little bit when I have a bajillion photos to tamper with. Mickey, the photographer, seems to enjoy it. I think he likes the fact he doesn’t have to sit and do the editing himself. I guess in that way I pay for my own time of the shoot. I enjoy the editing, he enjoys the picture taking. Seems to work out, lol.
Hopefully I can go do pictures with him sometime soon. They are fun with him and when I bring the kitty girls, well…you’ve seen the results. Craziness ensues, lol. We are kind of spastic like that!
I don’t have a whole lot else going on right now besides Azia’s upcoming graduation and a weekend getaway, and hopefully with some gal pals. I need some fun and relaxing stress free time. This week has been mostly good for that actually. “mostly” It’s been also a good time to spend time thinking. And I’ve been able to make some decisions that needed to be made and I’m happy with those choices.
That said,…back to editing pictures and then maybe read a little bit today. In a “find a sunbeam” mood.
Another day passes and I spent a good chunk of time going in and locking up a lot of my posts. Again, for the new and the old that skim…password protected posts require a password. If you want it, please leave me a message with your email (No worries all comments are kept private until I approve them for viewing always…or you would get annoying comments of advertisement junkies to read from overseas who can’t adopt grammar into their hack skills). Then if approved I will email you my password to view them. Just saying that you should be someone who either comments sometimes on the blog, has been a reader or someone I know. Granted, those three are never guarantees, but it helps! lol
Slowly I will update here a bit more, but I mean…slooooowly. Some of the links are dead and I need to refresh a few and add some, delete others. Oh maintenance…why you hate me.
But, I need a white sheet. Hubby keeps forgetting to grab one, so I might go out later to grab one. Have to get the pics of ears done. On a random note, I finally got my external hard drive to work. It was formatted in windows so of course, mac being the anti christ of windows, refused to allow me to write in it, it was read only. Not so cool when you need to save shit somewhere. The bonus is that I found great software that totally fixed it. The downside is that it is a 10 day trial and costs $20 bucks to have. Which I will cough up eventually. I got my desktop clear anyways, so hopefully ifI can get pics done this week I can get it all on the disk drive and then pay for the software later. Leave it to Mac to bankrupt you. Impossible to hack which is great…but also sometimes bad. Welcome to Mac…where “free” anything just doesn’t exist. *grumbles*
If you have issues with us being geeks and doing roleplaying and gaming ONE day of the week, one NIGHT of the week, really…you have a world of shock honey. So you don’t like rpg tabletop games. No issue. But don’t bitch about it because you choose to come over when you know we are doing it and are feeling left out because you don’t try to learn or act interested. Clue: it just pisses us off. This is part of who we are. It relieves stress, it lets us escape and we have fun socializing and telling jokes. This makes us HAPPY. I don’t demoralize you for your bad hair choices or liquid peel off pants, so please don’t try and tell me that my loves and my hobbies suck. Clearly, you just feel left out. I don’t think not seeing your boyfriend ONE time a week is going to kill you considering he goes SO much out of his way to spend time with you. This is part of him and something he enjoys. Learn to live with it and either try to enjoy it, or stop fucking coming on Saturdays and wondering why he and all of us aren’t paying attention to you. If you don’t like it, don’t fucking show up. It’s nothing personal to YOU, you are allowed to not like it and I am FINE with that. But don’t KNOW we do it and COME anyways and then BITCH about it later. You have friends. I think one night a week you can handle entertaining yourself. Get used to the fact that this is not something that is gonna change.
Love,
The Gamer RPG Loving Gaming Girl Geek of the House
Ok, on to the details as I am sure your tails are all twitching to hear details. I think it went really well. We had a lot of fun with it and I think got to show them a real, fun, playful side of kitten play. We did an hour of so of actually play and it was good fun. I drank milk from a bowl, ate some sweedish fish and naturally, caused a ruckus. Hid toys away, pawed at stuff, attempted to bite Satyr, jumped on the couch, got on a leash. We did interviews and got to talk a LOT about kitten play and the dynamic of interaction with each other, play mates, friends and family. It was all so very upbeat. Even the videographer was like, “I just wanna say ‘good girl’ to you”, lol. He said we had a really good chance to be on it because some of what he has seen has been a bit more depressing or dark. This is so upbeat and joyful and fun spirited that he thinks this is just what they are looking for. They were VERY anxious to get the taping asap, lol. The guy that did it is actually local and contracted to do some of the video. Really nice guy. Had fun answering some of the questions.And of course, talked for days, lol. But we had a great time. I showed off the ears, all my toys, and gear and some of my work space. Of course the kitty bed was neat. He thought it was lots of fun and after was even like, “Yea, I could even see myself being able to get into this every once in awhile”, lol. It was just very light hearted, we don’t have “dirt” or any like…”people shun us” moments or stores. Everything is positive. And he said he was so impressed by the fact I am actually intelligent too and not so dumb witted like you find with most people. He said my storytelling is actually great and he was really impressed. (*gives a paw high five*)
So, I think we should hear from Animal Planet really quick. I imagine they will want to start right away. Oh dear,…goodbye schedule, lol.
Less than 30 minutes! I’m a little bit nervous…just a little. Nothing bad. But, I have a positive outlook anyways. Just sucks the weather is rainy. I was wanting a nice sunny day to go and seek out a sunbeam for. Oh, le sigh…Another day I guess. More details after the interview I guess! Squeeee!
2am and I’m too excited and nervous to sleep, but I have to. Those of you who have my number, please refrain from contacting me until around 4 eastern or after. I will be getting ready in the morning and then the interview and then I need some time to come down from the “whoa I just did that” feelings. Funny…I presume it’s very similar to a first time scene…I’m gonna need lots of snuggles tomorrow, that’s for sure.
*hold up sign for free hugs and pets please*
Go to sleep,…go to sleep….go to sleeeeeeeep….gah. GAH! Mew, mew,meeeeeeeew…..
On another note, my roomie’s girlfriend wants to try to get on the camera tomorrow. *grumbles* You know nothing about kitten play woman! That and you are under age. This is a PG version of Kittenplay, but it doesn’t take too much research to find out there is kink involved. So, I am NOT having that backlash. So, please, for the love of god,…just chill out and be cool and stay to yourselves. Gankin’ in on something you know nothing about just to be on TV is a douche move. I tolerate you in my house all the time cause I love our rookie and his happiness means the world to me, but I have earned my right to this so back off or you will get a dose of claws from me anklet me tell ya, that isn’t a good place to be. I am sure it’s a sweet and innocent thing to her, but for me,…just….no. No, no no,no…
So, lemme just tell you a bit about our week. We ended up with a flat tire on the caviler car. No idea why. Can’t afford to fix it because Satyr is having issues with his salary to newly converted commission check being fucked up. Then…our van was fine. He gets to work, parks…comes back and the thing is loud as fuck as if the muffler came off. Come to find out, no…someone actually stole the cadalc converter (however you spell that) off the car. Wow,…I mean, wow. Usuallt it’s worth a few hundred but I guess after 100,000 miles on it they’d be lucky to get pennies. So, they aren’t a very bright thief anyways. But still…just not what we wanted to deal with. Then I come tonight and it rained and the windows were open in the kitty room and soaked part of the kitty bed. *unhappy kitty* So I toweled up what I could and am letting it dry. It should be fine by tomorrow but GRRRRR,…yea, stress. Just pooptastic. I am really positive about tomorrow, why? Because this much negative and that karma wheel has GOT to swing any minute, lol.
So nice to get a call from Azia. God I miss that girl and it will be so much fun when she joins up with me and catnip for a playtime kitty date. I’m excited about it. Plus, she will be graduating soon too so I plan to make sure we don’t miss out on that big adventure.
Went out to eat with my mother in law with the family, that was nice. I like being able to take a break from all this cleaning sometimes. But i am working on the bathrooms and tonight we have to take all the evil trash out. (le sigh)
Man…it’s gonna be a long night.
Emotionally, I am ok. A bit tapped, but I have room for focusing elsewhere. I don’t have anything or anyone demanding attention. Ok,…that isn’t so true, but I can say I don’t have anyone I NEED to give attention to when I have all this crazy going on. Patience goes a loooooong way.
Long day so far and I feel like I am making baby steps in cleaning. But slowly, there has been some drastic changes and I am ok with that. I am actually pretty relaxed about the interview itself. I guess when it’s an interview about you and what you do on a daily basis, it doesn’t seem that hard, lol. But, I do want to at least ensure that I have the house in a decent order and my kitty stuff in reachable places as they want to see some of the kitty gear, toys I use, outfits, ect. Which outfits is pushing it,…I mean I dress pretty casual and add ears and a tail, lol. Yea,…extreme right? I don’t think like,…the whole full kitty outfit is my personal style for me. I would like some leggings eventually, but I don’t want to advertise products that aren’t made by me. Call me stubborn. Mew.
Gonna clean off my work desk here some and get that nice and then tonight is trash night so we have to ditch the hall table, take out the many bags of trash I have (yay spring clean!) and possibly throw out the couch. If any of you close to me would like a couch, it’s yours. But you will need a way to come pick it up. I don’t have that ability, or that time, lol. But say your peace now cause it’s days are numbered. I just feel like we don’t use it, it just collects shit and is generally in the way. So…da boot it gets.
Lovely morning! Aj had a nightmare and insisted to sleep with us so she totally decides that I only need a foot of room to sleep. *grumbles much* Then I wake up to Satyr telling me the tire on his car is flat, oh and the water got turned off and won’t be on till tomorrow. (Dang, how did we miss that bill?) So, yea…good times, lol.
But, despite all that mess, I am still trying to remain positive. Gonna clean some more today. The living room is cool, the red curtains give it a red glow in the room that is very warm and inviting. I actually really, really love it in there. The dining room is better with the green sheer curtains as it lets the light in to an already dark room that doesn’t get much sun. So I feel better with it getting more light now. Makes me much happier!
I have been editing some of Azia’s last photos from her last photo session with our photographer and geez, that girl is beautiful. While she can take a bad pic, it’s never a BAD pic,…it’s just not epic…as usual. She really is a gorgeous girl and I’m glad she does modeling for us. I need her here soon as I need to get ears in the shop before (IF I get on it) the Animal Planet show airs. No sense in advertising when the stock isn’t online! Lol
Drat…should have picked up a white sheet…*adds to list*
It’s been a totally exhausting day today. I went out to Ollie’s which is pretty much a buyback place that sells stuff that was either overstock or closeout somewhere else, cheap. It’s nice when you have limited money like me right now. So I got a nice huge carpet for the living room and I got new curtains for it and also the dining room. I ironed them all and hung them all up. I got a new tablecloth too, so I am feeling in a much happier place with things looking a bit more “homiest”. It has more to go, but at least it isn’t a total disaster.
Only a few more days to go and I am not as nervous as I expected. I guess maybe because, well,…this is my life. It’s who I am. I really feel like this is the right thing to do for myself and for kitten play!
Ah hello new day! Ok, today I will hopefully get the downstairs floors scrubbed nicely. *crosses paws* Then I would like to see if I can make some shopping trips. Post more later, but I got a busy day ahead!
So exhausted! But, the house is coming along very nicely. I have no idea how I collected so much crap, but man, did I ever! But I got a good start on cleaning and moving some important things. We just have to throw away some things and move some things to the basement too. It’s a lot of work, but I hope it will be worth it! We are SO very excited for the casting video and are very hopeful we can cast a good light on kitten play and our “adult play”. I am looking forward to seeing kitten play earn some more repeat points and it is my absolute hope and faith that Animal Planet will deliver that and not a freak fest. (I plan to be VERY thorough on that when I speak to them more) Needless to say I am overjoyed at the opportunity. My heart is beaming with excitement even though my poor paws are taking a cleaning beating! But I have a good amount of time to bunker down and clean up more including getting the floors all nice and moped. I REALLY need to go and buy a tablecloth for the dining room table and I’d like some kind of centerpiece going on. If anything I thought it would be a lot of fun to have a kitty inspired dinner for my kitty guests when they come, so I am all about working on that funess.
Satyr has been really great lately in his support and doing what he can to help out. I am really proud to be owned by such a loving and nurturing man. (Not to mention funny as hell…though some would call him an asshole…ok, he has those moments….but it’s usually damn funny) But I look forward to being able to cuddle by him at the interview. I just don’t think I could have done it without him. Well, at least as well. But, I tend to pull confidence out my butt when I need to. Perhaps the panther side of me just kicks in when the kitten is too busy going…”OMG, shiny…can’t think…mew mew mew mew mew mew mew….”
Yes, I swear, it happens.
Ok, I guess it’s time to chill out before bed! Love and snuggles my beautiful kitties!
One thing at a time. I’ve slowed down some cause I think the piece of glass that was in my foot didn’t all get out cause my left heel hurts pretty bad. So, that’s kind of got me going at a more glacier pace than I’d like. but I still did pretty good today and made some small baby steps in the right direction. Tomorrow while Aj is at school I can go run by Target like I wanted.
But I am throwing away things and rearranging and reorganizing as I go *sneezes from dust bunnies*, so I am at least making some progress. I still want to light a flame to the office. I don’t know how to uh…well how the heck to get it to look “decent” enough. Aiye,…well, just keep trying at it I guess!
I am feeling better. Satyr has been a joy to be around and I find my close friends are here surrounding me with love and patience. *purs happily and twitches tail* I aim looking forward to a much deserved day of sun bathing in the kitty bed. But,…alas, the Satyr calls me for dinner. Nom om nom…
Ok, gonna hit the cleaning hard this week. I plan to attack the office today dammit! I will, I will, I will! I’d also like to run by target to pick up some new curtains for the office, front door and living room and the one window in my craft room. Tired of looking at the crappy ones that were here before we arrived.
Things to also get include possibly ordering the cat eye contacts, buying the tooth denture glue stuff so I can wear my fangs and maybe some CHEAP but nice artwork for the walls. Note to self…dining room centerpiece and tablecloth and if I can, get a few more of the storage boxes for the wall shelves. Possibly look for window decals that make them frosted.
But for now, it’s lunch time, so we shall feed the little one and then to work. So if I am not online, sorry…I am a little bit busy.
I am happy though as I have three happy volunteers for the show and I am SO excited about it all! SQUEE!
I’m pretty tired right now. Long drive. But, I went to go see Azia play her last concert of the year, so she was thrilled I came that far to come watch her. It was the last one before she graduates so I figure this is a good time to come and support her. (Besides, everyone loves friends in the audience when you perform!)
But man that drive took it out of me. I need to go into a coma for a bit I think, lol.
Great day today. I love that Satyr always gets me right back on track. He suggested a trip to the flea market. (Along with a seasonably long morning to afternoon sleeping session) and we had a great time. It was horrid weather but it kept the crowds down. I was determined to by the huge spools of yarn I have allays regretted buying and come to find out, they still have it! When I say rage spools, I mean, these things are massive…like beach ball size spools. I have always wanted them for some fun photo kitty shoots, but I thought it would be great fun to have around for when Animal Planet comes. Ya know, something for us kitties to delve into.
I also found a shop with awesome collar engravable tags so I two tags…one pink in the shape of a paw with Princess Kitten on it and a black one with Jezebel on it. I was quite happy. I saw they had a beautiful sterling silver heart with a row of the faux crystal diamonds round the endue that is engravable, so that’s next once I come up with what I want on it. And lets, see…I got a shit ton of zip ties (1000 of em) for our conventions (and they are PINK!) so I won’t ever ned to buy more of those anytime soon. I also got Charlie a new friend made by the same company, so he is a twin of my Charlie tiger stuffed animal but this one is a leopard. So cute. He had to come home with me. And I got some incense since Spring fever is coming and it’s time to do away with the candles.
We also dropped by the Hustler store and I got a wonderful new (and expensive) vibrator toy. It has to charge for 8 hours, but otherwise it looks fun. I have had my eye on it for a long time, I figured it was a good time to test it out. Plus, now I have $50 free bucks to spend in there and I either want the black angel wings or the crystal rhinestone collar with matching rhinestone wrist cuffs with a chain connecting them all. I almost got a new paddle but we passed. We have a good amount of impact toys and if I want a leather paddle there are places I would go online WAY before paying the horribly high prices as Hustler store. (Blechie)
Then we got some delicious drinks for this evening including some of Mike’s Hard lemonade, so I imagine a nice relaxing evening with nuzzles, pets, and some happy purs. But, then again, we might go see a movie. Who knows,…the point is I am RELAXED. Cause the rest of the week is going to be utter madness I tell you!
So,…I recently decided to try a trick posted by Jenna Marbles on YouTube. It’s basically this video about how to make your boobs look bigger. (Yes, even without stuffing the shit out of them or buying those god awful water filled ones that can also serve as a legal weapon to bash someone to death with as you whip it about like a lunatic amazon woman.) But of course, how often does an awesome opportunity like that strike? So when worn, it basically feels like you just added two literal melons in your sweater. You went from sweater yams to sweater baloogas in one sitting. And uncomfortably so. I don’t know how the fuck we are expected to wear those things all day and not require a chiropractor at the end of the day? Much less I became awkwardly aware of frontal space and hitting people with them and having to roll for damage. (Yes, nerdy girls will get that, the rest of you will have to suffer with being perplexed)
So there has to be an alternative that was affordable, (no bad surgery man…keep your silicone away from me!), and yet would perk them babies right up without making me feel like I had to climb into a wetsuit and carry around an extra baby in my cleavage. (I’m calling you men out who just started thinking about sucking on nipples) Turns out, there IS a good, cheap way that doesn’t require tools or duct tape. Are you ready for the secret girls?
Two bras. Yup. Seriously,…that’s it.
One smaller size bra and one that is one step larger over top of it. At first I thought Jenna was full of shit. Then she did it and I was excited to try it…ya know, after I stopped rewinding the video to admire the mound of tits on cam…ahem…
So, I went and found two bras that would work. First one…ok, not bad…typical me, nothing astounding. Second bra…HOLY FUCK where did THOSE come from?!
So, seriously women,…two bras. And if you want even MORE, simply take a safety pin and attach the two straps (or in this case four straps) together in the back. BAM. Yea, that’s right…I said it. (And it was FUN dammit!) So, hike them babies up girls and enjoy the mouthwatering appeal. Oh, and also for the men too once you finally move yourself away from your mirror. Cause, DAMN that’s hard to walk away from. YAY FOR BEING A GIRL! (This post will remain happy until my next menstrual cycle which clearly, this post will need deleted on my rant of how being a woman is absolute hell…I’m a realist, lol)
Ok people who follow my blog,…you might notice some posts disappearing soon. Since I have agreed to do this Animal Planet thing I want to be sure some things remain a little more private. I will eventually go back and make them password protected, so eventually those I KNOW I can share that password with to view them. But in the meantime to just speed it up, I’m simply making them private posts. No worries, they are there and will return eventually, lol. This is just…insurance. Ya know,…for the crazies. *waves a paw at the crazies*
Ok, todays goal is to clean up the kitten space area, move up the panels for ears and then down to clean off the chair in the office so satyr can help me move it to the kitty room. Beyond that, don’t got much. I assume that will take the majority of the day. Satyr will likely get my Codex I need to play my bugs for the Warhammer league game this weekend I need to prep for, so I assume tonight we will be working on the army list. Man,…I tell you,…just never a real break. But, I am happy to work as I like Spring cleaning and feeling refreshed. Plus, we have to in order to get the windows installed like…next week, lol. So It’s important I get this place cleaned up. Yay for small measures. If I can do one room a day I am pleased.
Still,…very tired. Getting up was less than pleasing. But,…things to do and be done! Mew mew! Plus, got to put away many of the kinky toys, especially if animal planet goes through. gotta keep things in the PG version of kitten play, lol. Boy, is THAT gonna be a bit hard to swing, lol.
So tired. I got things pretty well arranged, still have to deal with organizing a bit more, but that can be done slowly. But, I am SO exhausted. My body is just…dead. I think my body basically just said no more. I feel pretty worn out and run down. I know Satyr is the same. It’s so exhausting sometimes. Even recovery is exausting! Tomorrow I hope to get the kitten space reorganized a bit and then maybe…maybe see about moving the recliner chair up to it and moving the kitty bed n the craft room since there is SO much floor space. I wanted to have my rack of ears in the kitty space so gotta make room for that too. So, i’m not sure how it’s all going to work quite yet. Personally, at the moment…I don’t care. Tired. Sleep on brain.
Hrm,…Ok, managed to get all the furniture rearranged in my craft room like I want it. SO much more open now, lots of room. I still have to organize shelves some, but the majority of crap is picked up and cleaned up. So I am feeling a little bit happier about that. I am thinking somehow of getting up a better system for ribbon, but that is a work in progress. for now, I will side line that, but I can’t have my ribbon out of reach from my working space. It has to be reachable, it just aces it easier being near to me. But I don’t want it on my desk taking up space. So,…yea. a Lowes trip might be in my future soon. I am not sure on ears.I will likely hold them on display on the slat wall in the actual kitty room. If anything they will get some exposure if I decide to do the Animal Planet thing…which still slightly has me a little bit freaked out. I will call them likely tomorrow when my nerves calm a bit more and I’ve got some organizational OCD moments that have passed. I feel like I’m on sub-drop after con events sometimes. I just need comforts. Having a nice fresh, clean working space is one of them. It re-energizes me to want to work. Call me crazy, (I can hear you now), but it works for me! I will work on a list this week to kind of get down a footing on what I want to accomplish. For now, I’m gonna go email the lady in charge of Ikasucon and see what we need to do on payment and yadda yadda.
Still tired as hell, but I think Satyr is a LOT more tired than me. I’ve been looking into some more conventions and looks like Matsuricon in late August in Columbus will be a go, so that’s good. I also got an email concerning the Animal Planet thing, but I’m taking a day to think it over. They want me for an interview but I feel like they may not get exactly what they are looking for. But, my ind is honestly elsewhere. Right now I have to focus on rearranging the house and doing a massive Spring cleaning overhaul, in like…a week. We have our windows being replaced in a week or two so this place needs to get into some order and it’s nothing but mass chaos. So, I’m rearranging the craft room to be more open, let’s hope it works. The fireplace in here is a faux one, so I think I am moving my craft table in front of it since I clearly just do not have the room anywhere else really. The idea is…lot’s of room in the middle for cutting fabric, and I’d like to see if I can have the one wall empty so I can put up a backdrop for modeling and photography. *crosses paws*
So still a lot to do and work on, I will go into more depth on future plans, but right now, time to shut the computer down and get this room, at least for today, in some state of “order”. Blah. Crazy, crazy.
So…I’m pretty tired, lol. The convention was, at least from the dealers end, a giant waste of time. To put it in perspective,…this went from a con with about 10 dealers to over 100 in one year. They were SUPER small and went HUGE this year. So, the staff were panicked idiots and the hotel was about as accommodating as a stinky pile of horse poo on the bottom of your shoe. The first day they were an hour late opening the dealer room because the hotel staff demanded 30% of all food profits from dealers who had food at their tables (like pocky and stuff) since there are hotel vendors IN the dealers room and the hotel and no one knew till they got there. They refused to open until those vendors agreed. Plus, day two they decided to open an hour early WITHOUT telling the dealers and they had no security and I know one vendor to over $1000 in weapon merchandise stolen during that time because they weren’t there yet. Many vendors were in the whole,…one i spoke to was in the hole over 2 grand. Some more, some less, but most everyone who made a profit BARELY made it. It was pretty bad. The biggest problem is they have over 100 vendors during a recession. People didn’t have money to spend for a new con. If this had been established as a new con for a few years, people would have saved money for it. But everyone was stingy. I can’t tell you how many “Oh, if onlyI had money…” comments I saw and got and heard. Our neighbor joked, “congrats, we came to this con to entertain the douchebags and the poor”. Which was true. I don’t know WHAT it was, but these groups of people were mostly asshats. Just unfriendly, unfun, grumpy, stingy,…we have NEVER had such a lack of interaction. Typically Azia is more dressed down than even this con and is getting glommed and hugs and a million pics,…this one we even had her hold a sign that said “only $25.00 for some tail” and STILL hardly any interaction. It was just,…sad. And Marcus, to whom in sited that he caters to the dealers, was the biggest lie I have ever encountered. We waited and hour and a half to even get through the loading dock line. On leaving they gave us stickies with a number and told us (we were number 4) that if they were lower on the list they would be asked t circle the block and wait to allow those above first. Did that happen? Fuck no. Another hour to wait in line. The hotel staff guy said “yea, that was never going to work, we tried to tell them”. Plus, we were told for our pika prize that they would be given a ticket and have to come collect our prize giveaway and no,…didn’t happen. They came and got it from us and who knows what happened with it. And the bingo prize…what a disaster. I was sad I gave anything.
The hotel charges some hidden fees for things that we were not warned on,…it was just SO unorganized. As far as NOT from the dealer’s room perspective,…idk. But from ours, it was dull, boring, and for the thousands there and even bigger crowd than Ohayocon, I can’t see why the hell it went so bad. But we broke even with a tiny profit, but there is NO way I am driving near 6 hours again for THAT. Fuck that. Maybe in 2 or 3 years when they get it down better and people know it more and will save their pennies to buy things. The other things is there was just so much of each thing. In our row alone there were 6 booths selling cat ears and cat stuff. That’s just toooooo much. We are all different yes, but it was just a bunch of repeat things. I was pissed too that we paid what we did and other vendors pad for two smaller booths and shoved em together and out into the ailespace for more open room. And no one said anything. That annoyed us. If we paid a bigger priace, we should have been catered to more. So yea,…just sucky.
I have never been to a con so unorganized, frantic and as far as dealers rooms go,…so disastrous and dull.
So now I want to put it behind me and look for some artist alley cons till ikasucon rolls around. Clean my house up and work on filling the shop up online. I think once that is done, I will be happier. I just want to forget this con we went to existed. God,…never again. SOOOO glad to be home, even ifI came home to a sick little girl. Poor thing. But she is doing better anyways and not throwing up anymore and no fever. She’s finally keeping the liquids down. So, doing much much better. But god, so tired.
I did pretty good about packing. For having more stuff, we actually packed lighter this round. The trip will be 5 hours…better than the 6 I assumed before. We are on time. I only got one My Little Pony tail done, but I did ONE. We decided to use it as our raffle show piece so you can win it on the last day along with a pair of the mini ears that can double as the pony ears. That way we can keep it on display to be admired and give everyone a fair chance to win it since we only have one. I must be super nice, lol. I got all the mini’s done, all the pika ears and the one pony tail and all the tails I intended. Final count of ears stands at 345 ears.
Whew.
So,…it’s all good so far and I have no real complaints. I’m excited today although not looking forward to the drive. Blah. And as if fate was in play, my hot glue gun dies on my very last ear. like…the nozzle actually fell out, lol. I think it knew! Oh, I find the little things in life enjoyable.
Ok, so,…packed, ready to go…have a hotel and I promise this round I WILL have more pictures and video now that I know that my flipping camera works, lol. Anyways,…I shall have lots of fun! If it kills me! I DESERVE SOME FUN DAMNIT!
On a good note….tails are done minus the two my little pony tails i intend to do tonight after mini’s. So that is 30 more tails added to what was there before. Which is awesome. I am greatful for it. Well the 24 hour countdown has begun. I have a shit ton to do today including finishing 20 pairs of mini ears and the pony tails, packing the table stuff and booth stuff, packing myself, laundry and praying I don’t miss anything. Azia will be here late, like 10pm or so,…as such, I am not really looking for help cause I will want to get to bed early considering I want to leave by 10am tomorrow and I am driving. I don’t want to be sleepy. I have a long drive and I am honestly already tired, lol. So some sleep can make a world of difference for me. I just have to do what I can and be happy. It isn’t perfect or the way I pictured, but it’s damn close enough to not care, lol. This is a stressful time. Always is, but worth it once there. I always enjoy it. But it usually works this way. A million things on the list and not enough time to finish it all, lol. Oh, it sucks.
So so sooooo much stress right now. I just realized I have O mini ears that I have sewn or glittered yet and that is a huge seller. Where the fuck is my brain. And I STILL don’t have tails finished. I have enough cyber I am content, but I have to get these yellow ears and pikachu ears due but I have to wait for the trim to arrive which won’t be until Monday or Tuesday at the latest. VERY last minute. Ugh. I hate fucking deadlines. This is more pressure than I can handle right now. I feel like I’m drowning.
Ok, so today I have to finish up the green and brown ears and hopefully get a start on these pink cybers. I would love to sit down and do some tails tonight with a good movie in. Otherwise, it’s a day to focus. So i have my caffeine and dammit,…I will FINISH these! *growls*
Ok- we have a van. Go me. Even though Sir drove me and hour away to get it and FORGOT the van key and we drove BACK to get it and out again (grumbles and growls) I have it. On a side note,…there is something so empowering about telling Sir “No” and refusing him. I kind of like it sometimes. Knowing, he isn’t my problem!
I finished all the zombie ears, 18 pairs, plus the red leopard ears which is 8 pairs. Not a bad advance. I am halfway through the green/black ears and plan to finish those today. I also have to clean my room. The fluff has gone everywhere and my table space seems to be closing in on me. But, this is how it goes with the decorating. So much going on at once, it’s hard to not have that happen. But hopefully I can get it looking good again and not waste too much time cleaning and refocus on ears today.
On a side note,…if you are NOT my Owner…don’t try and top me. I don’t submit to anyone that is not My Owner or my Sir and even THEN I’m choosy on when I do it. Just because I have a kitten in me or wear kitty ears does not mean I will play with you, irl or online. I am not yours to control, and it annoys me when people think they just can,…with no history of me ever giving up any control to you. I am pretty much mostly Domme. And a panther at that. I don’t like people, especially ones who haven’t played with me before, to try and do things to punish me in real life or online. My submissive side it even bitchy. But my Domme side will rip your throat out and eat it for breakfast. STOP trying to Dom me. I don’t like it. I will remind you why I don’t like it and if you have a problem with it, you should have read my profile first and we could have avoided this altogether. This is exactly why I hate the whole “I am a Dom/Domme” attitude that somehow entitles people to treat subs however they want. Wether playful or not, if you don’t have those defined relationships, you should try to top someone who has an Owner or Dome/Domme already. It’s rude and frowned upon. I just don’t like it.
Over 100 ears and over 80 tails…in two weeks. Shoo me.
So to my friends and loved ones, forgive as this week I simply need to buyer down and work my kitty tail off. I am simply behind and I need to get this going again and feeling better about where I am. Todays goal should be easier. Clip all th zombie ears and get the fluff in to finish them. That’s 20 sets of ears there…I can DO it!
Yesterday was a good day to get out of the house however. The weather was PERFECT for Saytr and I to work outside. (Overcast and a nice breeze). We are both allergic to the sun and heat, so this is a great time to really dig in. I pulled and yanked weeds everywhere. And we reshaped the flower bed up front to stop it from draining from the house water spout into the basement. So no we have it properly going where we wish it to and we set it up so it looks like the water is coming out from a little heap of mountain river rocks and we intend to add a pebble pathway down. We brought out the sundial and I split the daylillies into four and replaced them around it. And then I replanted the hydrangea bushes in the back of the garden to cover up (in a few years, lol) the brick part of the house under the siding. All that is left is to add the rocks and out down the newspaper weed barrier and add some topsoil and then add my wave plants and we shall be good to go. So hopefully later tonight, we can go to the nursery and I can grab the plants we wanted to get for it. It was dirty and took all day, but well worth it. I feel better. I even got two extra spring wreaths for the front of the house, so it’s looking better and better as far as spring goes. AND the landlady said I can grow vines up the stairway to the front door so I have to decide if I want more climbing hydrangea (Which is beautiful but takes much longer to grow and train) or a simple clematis which grow like…2 feet overnight. Or…well we shall look and see. I just thought it would be a neat feature in a few years.
I am not sure but the small garden near the mailbox might get a climbing plant too considering i have the grated wood slats under the porch perfect for it to climb. (then I don’t have to paint it as often, lol)
To show how mentally fucking exhausted I am, I slept until 2pm today. Not by choice. My body just didn’t wake the fuck up. Kind of scary. I don’t usually do that. I tried to stay up at 8am when I got aj ready for school, but I felt almost sick…like not any signs of sick,…but that weird head space of “something isn’t right, please go back to bed” thing. So I did, but wow…sleep was needed I guess. I still feel a little weak so I’m drinking a lot of fluids just in case it’s dehydration at all. But, I think I have just spent most every ounce of mental energy I can afford. I don’t know if it’s sub drop from Satyr, but that was a day ago and I have no indications otherwise it is. I rarely ever have sub drop and when I do he wails on me a HELL of a lot harder than he did. So, erm…I don’t know.
I think I’m just sick of being fucking Switzerland, meanwhile having to get all this work done with no end in fucking sight.
My mood is shifting when I use “fuck” in the same sentence twice, lol. Well, dammit.
And I have found some solitude in music lately thanks to a band called “Civil Wars”. They were recently in a video with Taylor Swift and on the music CD for the movie “Hunger Games”, so they are just getting popular, but omg, their music is awesome. I should say their harmony. Being a huge choir buff girl, this type of music is so yummy to me. So…have a listen and fall in love and go get their cd,…it’s worth it.
Beyond that, I finessed getting the fur on the Pokemon Pikachu ears and ordered the trim I need to finish them, as well as the zombie ears and green fur ears…and multiple others. All because Hobby Lobby is being a bitch and is out of the stuff I use. For 3 weeks now. I think it’s just leaving for good. But, oh well, I will have like…10 yards, so I shouldn’t run out too soon. I also completed the “Neko Boy Ears” sets. They are all black leather, inside and out, no glitter, no bows. They all have piercings of sorts on one ear. One set has a chain, another has two silver safety pins and the third kind have 3 silver hoop earrings. I love them. (I am keeping one for myself, lol)
I like them a lot and I feeling they will disappear in no time. But, I wanted something for the men that had no glitter. It wasn’t often the men would be interested but it DID happen. So,…tadah…basic male kitty ears. I love being girly, but yea….gotta sometimes think downscale for our boys.
I have yet to fiddle with my steampunk type con dress. The thing is horrible as is. But,..I just can’t decide on wtf to do with it right now. It’s kind of disappointing actually. *sighs* Oh well, can’t be perfect but hopefully after I alter it some it will be. (Yea,…I will just pull that time right out of my ass)
I am almost done with the cheaper set of cyber LED kitty ears. Adding bows and that should be done today so that’s 5 more sets. Then I have to decide which to do next. Weeeeee for minor details. Ugh. I really wish I had some help. Seriously,…this is a lot to do on my own. Blarg.
Whew, tired. BUT I have my kitty stuffed animal and my security mouse that is on and filled with yummy smelly lavender inside and makes me feel much, much happier. Its the small things in life sometimes that I have to look forward to.
I saw my BFF last night and we did our exchange of goods, lol. I had some epic ocelot fur I couldn’t use and watching the girl drool on it and rub on it for hours made me happy to see I like making others happy, even on a vain level. It brings me joy. Perhaps in a similar way I get those same reposes in Domming. Only I know the “pain” is pleasurable to them and there is joy in them reaching subspace.
Anyways, getting of subject.
But we had a good talk and I didn’t get home till a bit past 4am, so my sleep schedule is a little “off” right now. (Duh) But have you ever gotten to the point where you are sick of talking about it? Where you just are tired of emotionally feeling and you just WANT TO FUCKING BEAT SOMEONE. Not in an anger way, I don’t have “anger” and would never do impact play when angry, but in the sense that I need to feel some control, I need to communicate in way that are expressive outlets for me. Domming is a head space of my own. I think clearer in it, I get focused, and I am able to gain a lot of strength by being able to break someone and rebuild them after. Maybe it’s a bit of my own self esteem issues. Not to feel ether about myself but to know this part of me is REAL and tangible. Ya know, I ENJOY doing it and I MISS doing it. And I want to stop just talking about it and fucking DO IT. I am ancy,…that would be a good word. Yup, ancy.
Yup, this feels just like purgatory. Caught in the fuckin’ middle. Not that I am shocked,…but it’s kind of difficult to maintain friendships when those said friends kind of,…hate each other. Meh.
Sometimes men can be seriously fucking insensitive. I didn’t need his backs shit comments tonight of all nights. You wanna be a smarts, fine,…but God dammit you don’t have to go for the jugular you fucking asshole. *tries desperately to keep the razor claws intact* Just NOT what I need right now…
The black pendants are finally set and ready! I like this finish much much better and I think I will be a lot happier with it. Can’t wait to finish these up now!
<—see?
